Supporting Loss
October is Pregnancy, Infant, and Child Loss Awareness Month. While no one likes to think about this, we know that 1 in 4 people experience loss during their pregnancy and about 1 in 160 pregnancies end in stillbirth. This means that it is very likely you or someone you know has experienced loss. Read more to find out how you can support others during and after their loss.
Grief makes people uncomfortable and that is understandble. What we cannot do, however, is ignore our loved ones when they go through a devastating loss. Here are a few ways to support your loved ones if they have experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death.
Acknowledge the loss.
Acting like nothing ever happened is not acceptable. Your loved one loved their baby even if their pregnancy was only 6 weeeks along. They probably had many dreams of all the things they were going to do with their new baby. If their baby was stillborn, they must now navigate how to go home without their new baby and face a house full of baby products. What we can do as support people is affirm how difficult this must be to go through. Sit and cry with them. Hold their hand. Hug them. They may not have the words to express their grief but you can sit with them in their grief.
Acknowledge the life that existed.
Say the baby’s name. If you don’t know what the baby was going to be named, ask them. If they experienced a stillbirth, ask what their favorite part of the pregnancy was. If they experiened the loss of a baby, ask them what their favorite memory is of their baby. Consider donating to their favorite charity in honor of their baby.
Avoid harmful words and phrases.
Don’t say things like:
“At least you know you can get pregnant”
“Well you were only 8 weeks along”
“Your baby is in a better place”
“Everything happens for a reason”
“You should be thankful you already have 2 kids”
“It just wasn’t meant to be”All you need to say is that you are so sorry for their loss and that you are here for them.
Do something.Don’t tell your loved one to call or text you if they need anything. They may not have enough mental spoons to even get out of bed, let alone the executive functioning that requires them to think about what they need and then communicate that to you. Here are some concrete things you can do: Order Door Dash delivery from their favorite restaurant. Clean their house. Offer to pickup older children and take them on an outing. When they are ready, offer to pack up the nursery. Take diapers and donate them to a diaper bank.
The worst thing we can do in a loss is to abandon our loved ones by ignoring them or refusing to talk about it. Don’t be afraid to talk about it. If they don’t want to talk about it, that’s ok. They will let you know but they will also know you are willing to listen when they are ready. Remember to check in on them even several months later. Grief is a process that we are learning may be lifelong. Your friends will still need you down the road. Do the hard things and be a soft place for your loved one to land in the harsh realities of their loss and grief.