Setting Boundaries with the Grandparents
There’s a new baby joining the family and everyone is overjoyed! Especially the grandparents! But if this is your first baby, and especially if it is the first grandbaby, you might have a few concerns over how your relationship with your own parents will change when you become a parent yourself. What if they don’t agree with your parenting choices? What if you don’t agree with theirs? Setting boundaries with family members can be tough, but we’ve got you covered.
Your Baby Your Rules
First, it’s important to acknowledge that this is YOUR baby and it is now YOUR time to be the parent. Your parents had their time when you were little. It’s now their time to be the grandparents. These are new roles for everyone. So there might be a little bit of a learning curve.
That’s okay, but never lose sight of the fact that you are the parent here and you should be respected in that role.
This means that you get to make the decisions that are best for your family. It is absolutely okay if these choices are different from what your parents did when you were a baby. Remember - your baby, your rules. This might be the very first time you are put in the position of speaking up for your child, but it is something you will have to do again and again throughout their life, so get comfortable with it.
Confidently lay out your expectations, rules, or wishes. Try to avoid language that sounds like you are asking for permission to do this or checking to see if it’s okay. Instead just say, “For Baby James we’ve decided to do XYZ,” or “Our pediatrician told us to do ABC so that is what we will do.” [Hint - sometimes deferring back to the pediatrician can be the “authoritative” figure that grandparents will always listen to.] And don’t be afraid to speak up, leave a situation, or end a visit early if you feel like your wishes as the parent are not being respected.
Get Up to Date
A lot has changed since you were a baby and your parents may not be up to date on the newest recommendations and guidelines when it comes to newborns. Do they know that babies should always be placed on their backs for sleep in order to reduce the risk of SIDS? What about paced bottle feeding? When it comes to introducing solids, do they know when is the right time and what foods to offer?
So while it might feel like you are going against a lot of the decisions your parents made when they were parenting little ones, give them a kind and gentle reminder that it’s not personal. Best practices and new evidence leads to change and that’s a good thing. Acknoweldge that you know they were acting based on the guidelines and directives of their time. It’s just that times change.
Another helpful idea would be to encourage the grandparents to take a newborn care class or grandparents class so they can learn firsthand about the current recomendations for infant care. This will help everyone to be on the same page and could even bolster their confidence if it’s been a long time since they held and cared for a new baby.
Some Helpful Phrases
If you do anticipate a little bit of pushback from your parents as they transition into their new role as grandparents. it’s helpful to practice some things now so you can implement them in the moment. It is also super helpful to discuss these things with your partner as well so both sets of grandparents (if they are in the picture) are on the same page and have the same expectations.
Some helpful phrases to get your point across:
Thank you for the suggestion, but we have decided it will be best to…
Per our pediatrician/nurse/doula, the current guidelines state…
Right now I’m just looking to vent/for a shoulder to cry on and do not need any advice…
Thank you, but we’re confident with what we’re doing. If we need advice in the future, I’ll let you know.
I really appreciate your help! What would be most helpful for us right now is…
Thank you for giving me the space to figure out this whole parenting thing in the way that works best for me.
And don’t forget to give everyone a little grace here. There’s so much excitement when a new baby joins the family and most likely any boundary pushing is not coming from a hurtful place. You will probably soon figure out that all parents make mistakes, even the parents of grown children! So keep your head high and go forth confidently knowing that you are the parent and you get to set the boundaries. Plain and simple.