Why Am I So Angry?

I just screamed, “SHUT UP!!!!” to my 17 month old toddler. Dear lord, what is wrong with me? How could a loving, attentive mother yell so loudly at her child? And for what? For saying “Mama” again and again and again while I tried to change his newborn sister’s diaper. WHO does something like that? 

Me. I did that. And I did it more than once. I screamed at my toddler. I flew off the handle with my husband. I slammed doors. I screamed. I cried. I felt completely out of control of my emotions. 

Over 13 years ago, I didn’t understand why. I was left to puzzle, alone and in shame, the question - Why am I so angry? 

Today I understand. I was struggling with postpartum anxiety AND postpartum rage. 

But back in 2010, when I was the mom to a newborn baby and a 17 month old toddler, nobody talked about these things. I had heard about postpartum depression. But I didn’t feel depressed. So that couldn’t be it.

No, what I felt was like a tornado of emotions that would come upon me so quickly, the way a black, cloudy storm can overtake a bright, sunny day. I would become overwhelmed, words would swirl around in my brain and I could never catch them and hold on. Emotions and feelings would build; there was a tempest trapped inside my brain that could be set off by the littlest thing.

That storm would rage and it would escape in a torrent of anger and fury, unleashed on the closest innocent victim, which often was my children. The storm would pass and I would be left awash in a sea of shame and guilt, a guilt so heavy it threatened to drown me. What is wrong with me? And why am I so angry?

Luckily today, we talk about these things. We recognize these signs and symptoms as postpartum rage: 

  • Uncontrollable anger or irritability

  • Episodes of fury or rage

  • Instances of yelling

  • Feeling on edge and lashing out

And I want you to know - this does NOT make you a bad mom. Not even a little bit. It just means you need support and resources to deal with this postpartum mood and anxiety disorder. Reach out and let us help get you connected. You deserve to not feel this way. And you never have to suffer in silence like I did. Help is available.


Kelly Rutan