Will Having a Baby Ruin My Marriage?
Did I really have a baby with this person???
Real talk - you may find yourself asking this question in the early postpartum period. That’s because the first year of marriage with a new baby is one of the hardest years in that marriage. This is the part of postpartum that nobody plans for. In our heads, we envision two smiling parents, cradling a brand new baby between them, staring lovingly into each other’s eyes. “Look, we did it. We made the most perfect baby in the world.” But the reality for many new parents looks very different.
This is a time that is fraught with severe exhaustion, hormonal rollercoasters, and emotional overwhelm. Nobody is their best selves when they’re only running on a few hours of sleep. It can be easy to snap at your partner, get frustrated quickly, and even let resentment build.
But we want to affirm for you that having a baby will NOT ruin your marriage. The first year postpartum can certainly be one of the hardest years for married couples, but with some planning, forethought, and good communication skills, this is a time that you can prepare for so that both people in this marriage enter new parenthood as a team.
ADJUST YOUR EXPECTATIONS
I’m not saying there won’t be moments of staring lovingly into each other’s eyes, but I am saying that those moments are going to feel few and far between. Bringing home a newborn baby is a lot of work and it can really put even the stablest of marriages to the test.
Becoming a parent for the first time is like becoming a new person in some ways. You may not recognize your partner as they work to figure out who they are as a mother, father, or parent. The person you shared so many fun times with might now cry at the smallest of things. The person who did so many little things to show they cared may now be forgetting the big things and paying little attention to your needs as they focus on their baby. You may be left wondering where your partner is and when they’re coming back.
BE EACH OTHER’S WATCHTOWER
But they will be back. This is why it’s so important to be each other’s watchtower. It’s just been the two of you up until now and as a team you’ve looked out for each other. Don’t stop doing that now! Even if it’s hard to recognize your partner in the sleep-deprived throes of new parenthood, remember - you probably are one of the people that knows them best. You know when they’re doing well and when they’re not. And when it looks like they’re not doing well, step in and catch them before they fall.
If you’re the non-birth parent, step up and care for the baby for a bit so the birth parent can have some time to reconnect with themselves and do the things they enjoy. You may need to remind them of the things they enjoyed pre-baby and encourage them to do those things. This dedication to self-care and self will help your partner and your overall marriage. This time is crucial for both parents, but can sometimes be harder for the birth parent to achieve.
COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER
And most importantly, commit to communication. Before your baby is born, sit down together and have a real, honest discussion about your realistic expectations and your needs during postpartum. What role does each parent envision when it comes to feeding the baby, sleeping the baby, and caring for the baby? How important are these goals and roles for each parent? You may need to write these down so the two of you can refer back to these things once the baby is here and help each other adjust and meet them.
It’s also important to communicate with each other prenatally about your needs during postpartum. The need for sleep, for nutrition, for self-care. How will the two of you commit to each other now to help ensure those needs are met once the baby is here? Again, write these needs down and brainstorm some ideas to put in place in order to ensure them. And then commit to communicating with one another if these needs are not being met. This will help prevent the resentment from building up.