I'm Exhausted and Overwhelmed
There I was..maybe 5 days postpartum..sprawled across my bed. My eyes were tightly closed, I was balled up in a fetal position, desperately trying to get some sleep. My parents had come to stay with us for a few days and sent me off to take a much needed nap. Except, I couldn’t sleep.
You’d think someone who had had a stomach virus and then a 24 hour unmedicated back labor and someone who had passed out in the bathroom about an hour after the birth would have no problem getting some sleep. Not to mention the cluster feeding that was keeping me up all hours of the night.
But, nope. I closed my eyes and what seemed like 30 seconds later, I heard my newborn cry. I bolted up out of bed and ran downstairs to attend to his needs. Not because anyone called for me to come get him but because I was so anxious that my adrenaline and lack of sleep had me on high alert. I had told myself the lie that if I didn’t take care of my baby, I wasn’t a good mom, and that only I was responsible for taking care of my newborn.
At that point in time I probably hadn’t had a restful stretch of sleep in about 7 days, including naps. I just couldn’t sleep. What made this harder was knowing that I was his main source of food…so instead of sleeping I just waited in anxious anticipation of the next feeding time. Waited..and, honestly, dreaded that next feeding time because I knew it was going to hurt my already sore nipples and take at least 45 minutes. Why bother sleeping when you have to wake up in 45 minutes anyway, is what I told myself.
As you can imagine I was a wreck. It’s not because I didn’t have support, I just wouldn’t accept the help. My partner was and always has been a very hands-on dad. My parents were hapy to help and take care of the baby. It probably wouldn’t have totally wrecked by breastfeeding journey if I had just let another family member give the baby one bottle of formula or expressed breastmilk so I could get some unbroken sleep.
Sure, good parents attend to their baby’s needs. But it is also ok to ask for help and then actually take that break. I needed it both mentally and physcially as I navigated my postpartum recovery. Knowing what I know now as a professional doula, I probably had undiagnosed postpartum anxiety. A good therapist and maybe some short-term medication would have been so helpful to me. I could have benefitted from a lactaction consultant to diagnose a tongue tie or assure me it was OK to use a nipple shield or even give the baby a bottle from time to time.
We somehow made it through those early postpartum days and weeks. But it wasn’t easy. If you are struggling with any of the same things I went through, please know that you are not alone. In fact, I’d say all this is fairly common and we just doesn’t realize that we can feel better and have an improved, and even happy, postpartum stage. You are not alone. Reach out to a friend. Have them help you make that call to your care provider to say that you need help. You can feel better and you deserve to care for yourself.