I've Never Felt So Judged

I can feel the tears welling, my cheeks turning red, and my heart racing when I think about that moment. Fifteen years later and I still feel it like it happened this morning. I was a brand new mom with a two-month old baby. And I had never felt so judged in my life.

I’m convinced that pregnancy and the early postpartum period bring with it the most judgment anyone feels in their life (maybe outside of those awkward middle school years). And honestly…that sucks. How does all this judgment effect new parents? Well, I can share how it affected me.

My descent into the postpartum period was not smooth - it can best be described as a crash landing.

I went from an attorney in a private Washington DC law firm to a clueless new mom who could not get her baby to stop crying. My baby cried. And cried. And cried some more. Google was not much help, other than to convince me that I just had a colicky baby and I should get used to all that crying because it wasn’t going to get better anytime soon. And did I mention the crying? I felt like an utter failure.

What was so wrong with me that I could not get this tiny new person to stop crying???

I feared leaving the house. What would I do if I ventured out in public and my baby started crying? And then couldn’t stop crying? Then everyone else would know what a failure of a mom I was. So I stayed inside. Alone - just me and my baby - under a roof filled with endless wails and tears (from both of us). Other than visits to the pediatrician’s office I really hadn’t been anywhere until a friend invited me to meet her for lunch when my baby was around 7 weeks old. I tried to stall, to come up with a million different excuses as to why I couldn’t, but the lure of adult conversation and the escape of my postpartum prison was too strong.

The day of our lunch date, I was a ball of nerves. So consumed by worry about how to time getting out of the house with feeding a baby, the anxiety I had over the excessive crying, and the way my clothes still didn’t quite fit right on my postpartum body. Why had I agreed to this?

I wish I had a cheerful ending to this story, but I don’t. The lunch was a disaster.

Mistake number one was not insisting on meeting at a fast food play place. Instead I lugged my stroller, baby carrier, and oversized diaper bag into a downtown DC restuarant, full of lawyers and lobbyists, having their power lunches. Mistake number two was forgetting to pack my nursing cover. Almost as soon as we were seated, my baby started to fuss and I realized it was time to feed him. But I had never nursed him in public before and I was completely lacking in the confidence to do it. I tried to throw a linen napkin over my exposed breast, while I frantcially latched my baby, and that’s when I began to ntoice the sideways glances. As my stress levels began to rise, my baby became more and more upset. After my botched attempt to feed him, his cries escalated. I couldn’t soothe him and he got louder. The sideways glances turned into all out stares. I did not belong here and I could feel my face turning red. The waiter came by to take our order but after one look at me and my baby, he quickly excused himself, promising to return in a moment.

And then my friend said, “Can you not get him to stop crying?” I’m sure she meant it innocently. Afterall, she did not have any kids of her own yet and was completely unfamiliar with what the throes of postpartum looked like. But with those words, my heart sunk. I had to stop the tears from overflowing as I felt the sting of judgment. My worst fears had been realized - both her and every other patron in this restaurant now knew what a horrible mom I was and how badly I was failing at motherhood.

I fled. I’m sure I mumbled some excuse as I grabbed my stuff and hightailed it out of there, much to the relief of the other diners who no longer had to hear my screaming baby. I retreated back home and that’s where I stayed for a long time - alone and isolated.

That’s what judgment does to new parents - it isolates them and it makes the postpartum period a lonely place to be.

So if you’ve ever worried about leaving the house with your new baby, I see you. If you’ve ever doubted whether you’re doing a good job at this whole parenthood thing, I see you. If you’ve let anxiety and fear get the best of you, I see you. And if you’ve ever felt judged, I SEE YOU.

New parents deserve better. They deserve grace, compassion, and connection. They deserve a listening ear and a safe place where they can unpack their insecurities and questions. They deserve true, nonjudgmental support. And that’s our promise to every new parent at Doulas of Raleigh.

Maybe with postpartum doula support, I would have felt a little less judged and a little more validated and affirmed. I probably would have felt a little less lonely and a little less isolated. I might have built my confidence quicker and overcome my fears sooner. Maybe my experience 15 years ago could have been different. And if this is you currently, just know that it’s not too late to change things now.