You Are Not Meant To Do This Alone
I was recently working with a newly postpartum client who had moved to this area during the height of COVID. She and her husband decided they needed some space to create their own family on their terms so they packed up and moved here in 2020, sight unseen. Fast forward to 2024, they are still in the area and they have had 2 babies over the past couple of years. This client stays home with her children. A running theme of conversation throughout our time together was how hard it was to build a community for herself and her family. She and her husband were very cautious during her pregnancies and had very limited social interactions with other people. She tried to connect with other moms at playgrounds and story times at the library but her toddler usually demanded her attention-as toddlers often do. She is still struggling a bit with finding her community but it is something she desperately wants; we all do!
I’ll just come right out and say it. Women NEED other women. We need them as friends, mentors, and to walk through life with us. We need other women most when we are going through a life transition. Transitions like pregnancy, labor, birth, and the immediate postpartum. We need other women when are feeding our babies and raising our toddlers. We need other women when we are trying to parent teenagers. We need other women when we suddenly have an empty nest. We need other women when we become the caregivers to our own parents and we need other women beside us as we watch those parents move from life to death.
I remember being online a lot in the Mommy chat forums when my children were younger. This was a great place to look up some info about how to wean my baby from breastfeeding but it was also a really great place for people to rage on other posters about how they were wrong and terrible mothers. Not exactly a safe space. The virtual space is good for many things but humans-especially mothers-truly need in-person connections. The virtual space is where people hide behind screen names and pass out judgment with no cares. In-person connection makes humans look at each other, see the depths and dimensions of a person, and react with more empathy. This is where our mothers and aunts and sisters and friends really see who we are. They see what challenges we face in real time. They offer advice-hopefully not unsolicited-about how they may have gone through the same challenge and offer what helped and what didn’t. If you aren’t close with your female family members, I encourage you to create your own family of fellow women. Here are some ideas on how to make that happen,,,
Invite people to your home. Offer coffee or tell them to hit up a coffee shop on their way. Don’t worry about the state of your home. Real ones know what a lived in house actually looks like. Chances are your guests have a basket of laundry on the couch, too, along with a few Goldfish crackers crushed into the carpet. Put this gathering on your calendar for at least a couple of times a month. If you don’t actually schedule it, it probably won’t happen. The more you get together, the more likely you will develop deep connections with the other women who attend.
Plan play dates. If you meet a potential mom friend at a park, event, or story time, be brave. Introduce yourself and exchange contact info. Actually reach out to them. Chances are they are looking for mom friends, too. Suggest meeting in the same place for another play date. Pick a date and put it on the calendar. If it goes well, make it a regular thing!
Be real. Don’t try to project the image that you have it all together and that you have unlocked the key to being a great parent (and if you have, could you please share that with us?!). The more real that you are, the more comfortable people will feel to be themselves around you. It’s OK if you are having trouble feeding the baby, me too. It’s OK if the baby only ever contact naps. Me, too. It’s OK if you are having a hard time setting boundaries with your toddler around screen time. Me too. Let’s come clean to each other and vent about how hard this all is while we eat a package of Oreos.
Join a book club or another group activity that is just for you. Getting involved in activities that interest you is great for your mental health and gives you access to potential friends who have the same interests as you.
Come to a New Parent Support group. We host a group at the Doulas of Raleigh office every other Wednesday morning at 11am. This a great way to meet other mothers in the same stage of life as you. And it is OK if you are a dad reading this and you also need community. You are welcome to join us, too!