What I Needed Permission to Do
Sometimes I am too stubborn for my own good. This was true with how I chose to feed my babies, especially with my first baby. You see, I had bought into the belief that babies should be drinking ONLY breastmilk whenever possible, no matter what the cost. I was so strict about breastfeeding and ONLY breastfeeding that it severely impacted both my physical and mental health.
I had taken a childbirth class with my hisband that heavily emphasized not only unmedicated birth but also feeing babies only with breastmilk..even better if it came straight from the tap. I took all of that information to heart and somehow made that my hill to die on.
When my oldest child was born, it took nearly a week for my milk to come in. What I should have done was supplemented with formula as needed but instead my first week of motherhod was a hellscape of anxiety for me and nonstop crying from my likely-hungry newborn. No one was sleeping and I could not figure out why he was crying. I was too afraid of being a “bad mom” to reach out for help from a lactaction consultant (those were rare nearly 20 years ago) and I was the first of my friends to have a baby so they couldn’t be of any help to me either.
Thankfully my milk did finally come in but I was never a huge producer. It seemed like i made enough milk to barely get by and definitely didn’t have a freezer full of milk stashed away…heck, I maybe only had one or two bags. I went back to to work when my son was 2 months old and was still committed to giving him only breastmilk. So, I got a secondhand breastpump from a friend (insurance didn’t cover pumps back then) and I pumped three times a day every day I was at work. At the time I taught kindergarten so I felt guilty for leaving my classroom several times a day for 20 minutes at time. We didn’t have lactaction rooms back then so I pumped in a supply closet where I was cold and always worried about someone walking in on me. Definitely not what one needs to get a great output of milk during a pumping session.
My son drank the bottles of breastmilk each day and I never had one extra drop. He also figured out he could get things straight from the tap if he nursed all night (called reverse cycling). So, there I was for many months, working full time during the day and up feeding him at night more times than I could count.
I lost all the baby weight and then kept losing weight because I wasn’t eating enough to sustain my breastmilk production. I was in a constant fog due to never getting a solid night of sleep..or even more than a couple of hours at a time. My temper was short, my memory was shot, and my body and mind were exhausted. My son was never a big butterball baby with rolls everywhere. Somehow, though, we made it to the year mark and I weaned my son at 13 months.
I wish I could say I enjoyed that breastfeeding journey but that simply isn’t true. There were of course some sweet moments in there, but- overall-it was an obligation that I weighed myself down with for a whole year.
What I wish I had known then is what I know now after being a doula for over a decade. Supplementing with formula until your milk comes will not ruin your supply. One bottle of formula a day isn’t going to tank a breastfeeding journey. If you don’t want to pump when you go back to work, you don’t have to. Feeding your baby with both breastmilk and formula is a viable option..and so is feeding your baby only formula. All of these choices have to be made for each family and for what works best for them. If the way you are feeding your baby is costing you your physical and mental health I am going to give you permission to do what I couldn’t give myself permission to do…stop. Your baby needs a mentally-well parent more than they need a certain method of feeding. So this is me giving you a big hug and permission to do what’s best for you..and in the end, that’s likely what’s also going to be best for your baby.